Archive for the ‘kids’ Category
Saturday, October 6th, 2007 |
Ive blogged about all aspects of my divorce. I’ve ranted about my anger , I’ve ranted about how isolated and out of my shell I’ve felt, I’ve blogged on the practicalities of it all, how to get divorced, how to do it yourself and all that kinda thing.
What continues to surprise me though is how even when you think you’ve covered all of the bases that something somewhere will still hit you and leave you pondering what and why it is that’s ended up bothering you all over again.
My ex had a little boy recently, by her bf, the one who was once my friend. During her pregnancy my own children didn’t say too much on the topic. I didn’t either, to my shame I was kind of bothered by it all and couldn’t really deal with it too well. It felt weird, I was concerned about how it would impact my kids yet was troubled by my own feelings on the topic so couldn’t entirely talk with them about it in any objective way. I tried, but on most occassions I fucked up. I think they saw through my attempts at being all hey, this is perfectly cool.
And heck of course, it should be, I’m getting that now - people split up all the time, yet when you’ve had kids with a person and raised a family and it all turns to shit, then you can end up feeling like something was stripped away from you, like a part of you died, like something that really mattered to you had been unreasonably taken. It seems illogical of course and being a silly man, who at times is incapable of really appreciating what is happening emotionally, or even accepting that its normal and perfectly ok to feel disjointed and wronged and all that stuff.
Maybe its a depressive thing, but you find yourself thinking in terms of how everyone else seems to be playing new happy families whilst (if you are still single perhaps) you find yourself no further forward. You are the one who has the kids stay over every now and then, you are the one who hears about their ‘family’ holidays and days out, you are the one who is called the name of your ex’s bf by mistake, you are the one who quite often has to deal with the emotional problems your kids are experiencing, the one who can’t really discipline or offer proper guidance to, simply because you just aren’t in their lives enough or there is no really constructive dialogue with your ex. So you drift from week to week, just trying to make the best of it all and do what at least feels right by your children; yet it isn’t ideal because meantime your ex is busy building her new life with her new partner which happens to include your children, your flesh and blood.
Yes of course, to take this view really sucks I know that. And it’s not one of those thought patterns that hangs around too long. Yet when it does, it can really bite; especially on the back of a big life event that impacts your kids.
The right thing to do is to do every little thing you can to help your children see a thing (in this case a new family member) as a positive. Get them to talk about him or her, put a smile on your face as you hear them talk about it.Make it feel as normal and as right as possible, for at the end of it all, that’s exactly what it is. Remember that life is tough enough as it is without having to process all manner of dysfunctionalities later on in life.
If you do the wrong thing, your conscience will tell you. Listen to that conscience and try to redress your selfish behaviour. Be the adult, however tough, however difficult, be that person, you’ll reap the dividends down the road.
Posted in kids, emotions, moving on, Divorce, extended families | 13 Comments »
Sunday, July 15th, 2007 |
I found a great resource for children today. Divorce is tough on kids, they need all the help and support they can get. They’ll often feel pulled and split and dragged all over the shop.
I like what this page at Divorce aid has to say
You MUST remember these things:
Your Mum and Dad still LOVE YOU.
They will ALWAYS LOVE YOU, no matter where you all live.
They are not splitting up because of anything that you have done.
You may feel sad or upset but you will feel better.
Always talk to your Mum or Dad or another adult you can trust in the family.
It’s all true too - If you are a parent just think twice the next time you want to hit back at an ex, and if you are a child reading this, then try not to worry, it’ll all work out.
Further help
Posted in kids, divorce help | No Comments »
Wednesday, July 4th, 2007 |
I found a great website today. Its called wikivorce. It’s full of interesting little bits and pieces that will help soften the blow that is ‘Divorce’.
Divorce can leave you feeling like crap, whether you are the one being divorced or the one doing the divorcing. It’s never easy, it’s always personal and can be deeply wounding.
The main thing to realise though is that it is not the end of the world. It may well feel that way, you may feel crushed, smashed to pieces, torn apart seemingly unableto function properley. You may even begin to doubt your sanity as you grapple with very real feelings of hurt, betrayal, sorrow, grief and anger.
For what its worth, you won’t always feel this way, it will get better. Seek the help of your GP, they might be able to help you find a good counsellor or at least reassure you that what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. Talk with your friends, your family, recognise that however awful it seems right now, however much you may be agonising over your children and your loss, it does not last forever.
Don’t allow it to consume you, don’t try and find escape through a bottle or drugs. Do something positive with what you feel - channel it into a form of exercise, join a gym or go for a swim, buy a bike and go for a cycle, go for a run if you must - you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll feel for it.
How do I know, am I a professional? The short answer is no, I’m not a professional - my only qualifications in this is that I’ve been through it. I know what it feels like, I know how much it all hurts.
Keep at it, never give up - it gets better.
Posted in kids, emotions, anger, divorce help, Divorce | 3 Comments »
Thursday, April 12th, 2007 |
The other day I learnt that my ex is pregnant. It pissed me off no end. I couldn’t and still can’t quite work out why.
Its helpful to summise and ponder I guess. Some people have suggested that I’m not really over her. I thought I was though, am even.
If anything I guess its sort of reawakened some of those feelings I thought I’d resolved. The ones that had an attachment to anger, treachery, betrayal and all of those other words that I tended to associate with the whole intial thing.
See, it all started with a pregancy back then. Long story short is that she lost a child and blamed me for it and never really got over it. For my part I suspected that it wasn’t mine anyway and was probably the result of a night with the guy she is now with, and now having a kid with.
A part of me feels sad for my kids too. My son is a little confused by it all and my daughter has mixed feelings on it as well.
Maybe i’m pissed in the manner of its revelation. It was my daughter who told me about it, she’s only 12. We were on holiday together and she said ‘Dad, I ve got to tell you something, mum’s having a baby’ I asked her how she learned of it, she explained that my ex’s bf called a so called ‘family’ conference and announced that there was to be a new addition to the ‘family’.
I think this is what has really done me in. That whole notion of family. My family after all was ripped away from me.
I know of course that I shouldn’t look at it that way, but one can’t help feel what one feels. It hurts. It doesn’t help also when you have an unsupportive girlfriend who doesn’t seem able to comprehend why I’d even be bothered, god what an emotional retard.
My point - My point is, watch yourself , it can still bite you on the arse.
Posted in kids, emotions, anger | 2 Comments »
