Your kids and their new siblings, a possible fact of life post divorce
Ive blogged about all aspects of my divorce. I’ve ranted about my anger , I’ve ranted about how isolated and out of my shell I’ve felt, I’ve blogged on the practicalities of it all, how to get divorced, how to do it yourself and all that kinda thing.
What continues to surprise me though is how even when you think you’ve covered all of the bases that something somewhere will still hit you and leave you pondering what and why it is that’s ended up bothering you all over again.
My ex had a little boy recently, by her bf, the one who was once my friend. During her pregnancy my own children didn’t say too much on the topic. I didn’t either, to my shame I was kind of bothered by it all and couldn’t really deal with it too well. It felt weird, I was concerned about how it would impact my kids yet was troubled by my own feelings on the topic so couldn’t entirely talk with them about it in any objective way. I tried, but on most occassions I fucked up. I think they saw through my attempts at being all hey, this is perfectly cool.
And heck of course, it should be, I’m getting that now - people split up all the time, yet when you’ve had kids with a person and raised a family and it all turns to shit, then you can end up feeling like something was stripped away from you, like a part of you died, like something that really mattered to you had been unreasonably taken. It seems illogical of course and being a silly man, who at times is incapable of really appreciating what is happening emotionally, or even accepting that its normal and perfectly ok to feel disjointed and wronged and all that stuff.
Maybe its a depressive thing, but you find yourself thinking in terms of how everyone else seems to be playing new happy families whilst (if you are still single perhaps) you find yourself no further forward. You are the one who has the kids stay over every now and then, you are the one who hears about their ‘family’ holidays and days out, you are the one who is called the name of your ex’s bf by mistake, you are the one who quite often has to deal with the emotional problems your kids are experiencing, the one who can’t really discipline or offer proper guidance to, simply because you just aren’t in their lives enough or there is no really constructive dialogue with your ex. So you drift from week to week, just trying to make the best of it all and do what at least feels right by your children; yet it isn’t ideal because meantime your ex is busy building her new life with her new partner which happens to include your children, your flesh and blood.
Yes of course, to take this view really sucks I know that. And it’s not one of those thought patterns that hangs around too long. Yet when it does, it can really bite; especially on the back of a big life event that impacts your kids.
The right thing to do is to do every little thing you can to help your children see a thing (in this case a new family member) as a positive. Get them to talk about him or her, put a smile on your face as you hear them talk about it.Make it feel as normal and as right as possible, for at the end of it all, that’s exactly what it is. Remember that life is tough enough as it is without having to process all manner of dysfunctionalities later on in life.
If you do the wrong thing, your conscience will tell you. Listen to that conscience and try to redress your selfish behaviour. Be the adult, however tough, however difficult, be that person, you’ll reap the dividends down the road.
13 Responses to “Your kids and their new siblings, a possible fact of life post divorce”
By Lenna on Oct 11, 2007 | Reply
Divorce… Something hard for me to talk about still.
Have been divorced for a little longer than a year now and as everyone that went and is somehow still going through it, none thought is it was going to be easy to rebuild life then again, I din think it was going to be this hard…
This too will pass!
By Divorce Blog on Oct 12, 2007 | Reply
Hi Lenna, thanks for the comment. I think you are right, it’s good to see the positives! Some days it just doesn’t feel that way though, knowing that it doesn’t last forever is really important too
By Jeremy Lee on Oct 31, 2007 | Reply
The latest issue of Greater Good magazine (Fall 2007) is out! You can read some articles from the issue at www.greatergoodmag.org
This issue explores “The 21st Century Family,” discussing the many ways
that American family life has been transformed in recent years. Families today face issues their grandparents could scarcely have imagined: the challenges of being a dual-income couple; the questions faced by gay and lesbian parents and stay-at-home dads; and the obstacles confronted by all families today to find time for one another and make ends meet.
Ruth Bettelheim explains how divorce can be painful for children,
but she also shows what divorcing parents can do to help their kids
succeed when one family becomes two.
Link to this article:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/current_issue/Bettelheim.html
Constance Ahrons, author of “The Good Divorce”, explains what a healthy and good divorce can look like.
link to this article:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/current_issue/Q&A.pdf
By Debbie on Nov 20, 2007 | Reply
Just going through a divorce myself, finding it tough but i’m sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.
How did you approach the subject with your children?
Finding the support online incredibly inspirational.
Any advice would be brilliant.
By Divorce Blog on Nov 20, 2007 | Reply
Hi Debbie
Sorry to hear it, it’s always tough, anyone who says it isn’t is in denial or just doesn’t really have any firm grip on reality.
I think I approached the subject in one of the worse ways possible. They asked me stuff like “when are you coming home Dad” and at first I had no idea how to respond, outside of “whenever Mummy want’s me to come back” of course she never did though, and in terms of the events that followed it just made it all a bit doubly difficult. I felt devastated and I think my kids saw that I was too.Could I have hid that? NO I think not, did I try? Yes, absolutely..but I messed up too.
We are told that the best way is to say stuff that doesn’t make them feel split or disloyal to one side or another. We are told that we should be detached and speak to them in matter of fact terms around “Mummy and Daddy have decided to live apart for a while and all that..” Yet, they aren’t stupid, they can see through things like that, so…well, there is no right way, only a wrong way I guess. The wrong way being getting them to take your side and see the other in some bad awful light.
The bottom line is that they need both parents, and to that end, if we keep that in mind and work with that in the forefront then hopefully they’ll come thorough it all as unscathed as possible!
Heck, its a huge question, I don’t think you can really create a ‘perfect’ scenario, other than work at what’s best for them. If its a warring household currently, then the divorce thing is probably the best thing long term. Just doesn’t seem that way at the outset.
Sorry for the long winded response, but its the only one I have at the moment! Good luck with it,it’ll work out in the end, I’m sure.
God bless
P.s A little tip, its good to get it all out there as they say! If you want to write stuff on here, let me know and I’ll set up an account where you can vent or just express how you feel.
By Debbie on Nov 21, 2007 | Reply
wow… thanks for your reply. Well, not only your reply, but your time, effort and thoughtfulness.
At the moment i feel very confused. can’t really pin down my emotions.
Your advice about the children is completely sensible, and in no way do either of us want them to feel fristly that there is any blame placed upon them, and secondly that they will ever “have to choose”.
Thank you for you offer of letting me write on here- right now i’m not sure i’d be any use to anyone, but i will be sure to bear it in mind.
will keep checking in, and reporting back.
Take care. x
By Divorce Blog on Nov 21, 2007 | Reply
Hi Debbie
You are welcome, it’s a tough time for all concerned, knowing that its perfectly normal to feel a little weirded out by it all is one of those things that helps. It really doesn’t help to think you are ‘losing it’; to know that it’s one of those things in life that is just so upsetting, and hearing from others who have experienced it say so, is in some ways a small comfort. At least, that’s how it was for me some time back.
Anyways, I think you are both on the right track, as long as those kids know that they are loved and valued then long term, they’ll be ok.
Good luck with it all.
By maggie on Nov 27, 2007 | Reply
Reading your article its make me feel better knowing thats ..theres always way out of everything facing the light of the tunnel…Divorcing my husband for 20yrs is a relief from i guess…I say that beacuse i suffered to much of his unreasonable attitude…no sex for 20yrs can you imagine…control life everything including inside your house…i descride is a hell ..but now im looking forward to have my share for that marriages 20yrs wasted
By Divorce Blog on Nov 28, 2007 | Reply
Hello maggie
Life goes on, it’s often a good idea to look back and if you can, look for the positives. There was a time when I was immensely bitter about it all. Today I’m not so bitter. Maybe this is because I look at the fruits of the experience and consider what perhaps may not have been, had I in my youth never committed my life to my ex-wife. I’d not have my children who I love enormously, my life would be very different indeed.
You get one shot at this mortal existence, life’s too short to have too many regrets, yet I accept too that in order to get to such a position we have to grieve and deal with our loss and anger and whatever else it is that’s rooting us to choose to hold on to stuff that we cannot change.
It’s good to look forward with optimism and a sense of learning from actions past.
God bless, I hope it all works out for you.
By Divorce UK on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
The kids are always affected in some way by divorce. Strangely, my parents never got divorced but they did split up permanently so it was the same thing in effect. I never stayed with either of them after they split up so it was probably even worse than normal. I have always felt a little ‘lost’ in this world and maybe this is why.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had a stable family to fall back on.
By Natasha on May 14, 2008 | Reply
Dear Divorce Blog,
It is so refreshing to hear someone talk about prioritising love and affection over anger and bitterness.
I admire your courage to face the ever changing situations that you face and as someone who is also divorced (with a small child) and having gone through what can only be described as an extraordinary experience at the hands of the Family Division, I can empathise to some degree with your frustrations.
In my own personal experience, I have found that focusing on loving my child has given me the strength to conduct myself with compassion and to be patient. Our children love us unconditionally when we show them that we love them without exception and I am sure your children appreciate the enormous effort you make.
Your blog is great and surely must be a good way to help release those feelings of anxiety. My blog has been a therapeutic exercise for me also and through it I have discovered that the pains we suffer as single parents can often be far greater for others and it often reminds me of how lucky we are to have our children with us.
I agree with you that divorce as it stands at the moment with the system the way it is, is not effective and I often recommend that people try to sort out their separations outside of the court system. As a lawyer, I am saddened by the fact that our once proud system is so dishevelled.
Wishing you lots of luck and many more happy days with your little ones
By Divorce Blog on Jun 7, 2008 | Reply
Thanks Natasha
My little ones are quite large now
It all seems like a long time ago now which is great because it means it’s all done with.
Blogging was a fab way of dealing with stuff that really hurt at the time, I’d recommend it to anyone. A cheaper form of counseling almost.
Not living with my kids was and to be honest still is at times difficult, simply because I miss having them around me all of the time. But ultimately, I guess they are happy and settled, they know I’m here if they need me and as you say that’s the important part. People need to feel wanted loved and valued.
Good luck with your circumstances, your son has a mum with her head screwed on it seems
By Jay on Jun 7, 2008 | Reply
A divorce is always hard on kids, Great post!!!!!!!!!