Divorce Blog

Better off without her

Rant:harangue: a loud bombastic declamation expressed with strong emotion

So the paperwork came back from the court yesterday and I have to sign an acknowledgement and send it back.

I’m not a rich man, far from it. Like most I’m a paycheck or two away from debt, but I’m not complaining, I do what I do and get on with life the best I can.

I give my ex 20% of my net income every week towards the upkeep of my children. Occassionaly I give her a little more towards clothes and stuff like that. This week for example was Easter holiday week, so I gave her an extra £100 to help pay towards entertaining the kids. Not good enough by all accounts. Today, she telephones me complaining. She tells me (like she always did) that I should be doing more with my kids and that I should be giving her more money, and how I should be giving her more free time by having my children together more often.

Sometimes, well most of the time to be honest I just don’t want both my children together with me. Ive little space and they fight and argue and pick holes in each other trying to score points, trying to get me, the big mug, all angry or finger wagging at one or the other. Its tiring, and not a lot of fun. On their own I can have quality time with them, its better all round. Oh no, but not in her eyes, she thinks I should put up with them, just like she has to.

Yep, poor kids I hear you say, and yes I know they are suffering in all this too, always did, always knew they would too. Ive been there see, she hasn’t, she’s clueless . She seems to think this marital breakdown stuff can be all harmonious and plain sailing. Easy if you don’t have any feelings I guess. Maybe thats why she can be so matter of fact about it.

She uses my children as a stick to beat me with. She is angry still, maybe at herself and just finds it easy to attack me to assuage whatever turmoil is going on in her head. Maybe I should just get angry and go and beat her boyfriend up. She’d have good reason to hate me a little more then. I won’t though, but I do wish she’d just fuck off out of it and give me a break.

I hate arguing with her, its just negative shite. At times, she is devoid of any wisdom or compassion, she can only see the world through her angry eyes and refuses to really listen to any reason ( well mine at least). To her , I’m just that big unreasonable wanker who needs to get a girlfriend and move on.

Anyways in true deconstructive adversarial fashion, I reminded her that its me who’s paying for this divorce thing. I reminded her that it was her who started all this crap. I reminded her that it was her who wanted this fantastic life without big wanker me. I told her that she should think about that for a little while as she gnarled and bit my head off struggling to hide her contempt for me.  Fight fight fight, not good.

When she and that gutless toad decided to ‘have feelings’ for each other, I must confess it hurt. Despite all my hypocrisy and everything else, it ripped me to pieces and left me looking back on my married life with rose tinted glasses. I forgot about all the rubbish. I forgot about all the back biting, nagging, discontented small mindedness that being with her entailed. Never happy, always complaining, dawn til dusk, she went to bed miserable and woke up miserable, sad sad woman. Discontent with who she was and who she was with, blaming everyone else for her miseriness, failing to see how judgemental and dictatorial she really was, always criticising, seldom praising, rarely prepared to actually contribute positively, preferring to focus on what she didn’t have rather than count the blessings she did.

See today, I got a huge dose of that stuff all over. A big reminder of her little rants, demanding that I do this and that. Not stopping for one moment to think of how all her previous attempts using similar behaviour got her or us no where. It wasn’t nice to feel all that frustration of hers, all her crap , all her shit taken out on me. Why I put up with it is beyond me. Sometimes I’d just like to punch her on the nose, or shove a big sock in her poison mouth. When I see her I detect an almost false sense of smugness, like she’s so much happier, yet at the same time I just know she really isn’t.

You might not believe me, but despite everything, I actually feel quite sorry for her.

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Revenge isn’t worth it. Everybody loses

I want to say a little something about negative feelings and how I deal with my own.

There have been times when I’ve felt consumed by rage. I have considered going round to a certain persons house and knocking ten tons of shit out of him. I’ve visualised myself doing this person a serious disservice. I haven’t though and I’m proud of myself for not doing so.

I had an awful reminder of how powerful these feelings can be. Last week, my girlfriends sister was killed. She and a boyfriend were stabbed to death and then burnt in her house. Her husband  has been arrested and charged with their murders.

Now, he may not be guilty, he may well be entirely innocent, but…suffice to say I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes for the next few years.

If he is guilty then he has obviously let his rage consume him. Its a tragedy that he never managed to find a way of dealing with them, as the net result is just tragedy.Two people have lost their lives, a young boy now has to grow up without a mother or father, 3 families have been devastated.

Don’t get me wrong. I was never on the same page as this guy. I never contemplated murder. I was always mindful of the possible impacts of my actions too. Whilst I may have fantasised about pummeling the guy who interfered in my lifes face, I also considered the possibility that to do so, could have resulted in some form of custodial sentence or worse even. She (my ex) simply isn’t and more to the point wasn’t worth that. My children too had suffered enough already and really didn’t need to have their Dad in jail either, so Im thankful that I’ve managed to hold it together and work through the anger.

If you are reading this and contemplating revenge of some sort. Just stop for 5 minutes, just 300 seconds and think about the possible impact of your actions. Think of your kids, think of your parents, think of your friends, but above all think about you and your life and recognise that you are worth so much more than that.

Go scream at the wall, go for a run, get out on a bike, call a friend, call your mum or your dad. Do something with the pain, don’t let it eaat you up. She aint worth it. You are.

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