Divorce is tough
Divorce in itself is not an odd thing, its just a label for a process; the process of legal separation, the cessation of legally ordained marriage.
What it does to you though is certainly very odd indeed. I guess it really depends on the situation and whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of proceedings. I never thought that it would bother me. After all, I once left her, some 7 years back when basically I’d had enough of the perpetual squabbling, back biting, nagging and general miseriness. I felt exhilirated, free, at liberty to live a life how I wanted to, free from a person who did her utmost to attack or criticise my every move, and yet I went back to her. I couldn’t see her in pain, she was crushed and promised me she’d change, she pleaded with me to come back to her, she was in bits, and..well I still cared for her, I didn’t want to see her like that, to not go back and try again would have been cruel, at least that’s what I thought at the time.
So I went back. She accepted her part in our crap and we both resolved to move forward and give it all another go. For a time things were good. We got on ok, didn’t fight and I was kinda pleased that our relationship had been given the jolt it needed. We had a better appreciation for each other, or at least that’s what I thought at the time.
This time round, the shoe is on the other foot. I find myself out of the family home, unable to kiss my kids before they go to sleep and all the other readjustment crap that comes with having your marital life terminated. The weird thing is that even though I try and put my mindset to the fore of recognising that our marriage was a sham and that we were,for all intents and purposes fundamentally incompatible on so many levels, it does nonetheless feel pretty shitty to be on the receiving end. I guess its because she betrayed my trust and I kinda feel like she contrived the whole scenario just so she could get to be with some wanker I once called a friend.
Maybe its not so bad to feel like a complete fool. Deceit sucks, when you give of the best years of your life to someone and they repay you with what feels like the biggest kick in the bollocks you ever had, then maybe you’d be a little bit strange if you didn’t feel a little out of whack by it all. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m better off without the dumb bitch as well as remind myself of all her ugly ways, but thus far its just never enough. A hole still remains.
On the plus side, I’m almost over the revenge ideation and stuff like that. Im channelling my anger into positives and am determined to come through this whole thing a better, more rounded person.
Time does heal.
March 30th, 2006 at 5:29 am
I found your blog through your profile on 43Things. Divorce does suck, and having kids involved makes it extremely difficult. I left my Ex in 1998, and I found that the best thing for me, emotional, was to move far far away (Of coarse, he was psycho and stabbed me with a knife… and thankfully we did not have children). At some point you will probably end up being angry with yourself for being so stupid for sticking around and wasting the best years of your life by remaining in a failing marriage. And while yes, you might still be on good speaking terms, it’s all an illusion. Make the divorce paperwork your top priority. Don’t argue over petty details, such as possessions. Run as fast as you can in the other direction. Save yourself. It’s really the only thing to do. Good luck.
March 30th, 2006 at 7:09 am
Hello Ialiuxh
I remember you from 43things, thanks for the comment and best wishes
That knife stuff must have been pretty awful for you. Glad to hear you managed to escape and start anew :).
You may well be right on the illusion front, to be honest, I don’t always feel a certain way about her. Some days I just shrug and say to myself ‘Oh well, no biggie, she met someone who made her heart sing, I should’nt be so mad about that really..etc etc blah ‘ other days Im full of vitriol and bile.
Some continuity of thought would be nice though, forget and move on, that kinda thing.
A work in progress