Divorce Blog – Tips Advice Help – Finances, Solicitors, Health

Divorce is tough – I know, I went through it, you can get through it too. Free advice and Stories on Divorce from my experience.

 

Divorce Blog - Why I started this and where I am today

The internet is a wonderful resource full of opinions and suggestions for how to do things. Sometimes it just isn't enough and you need to express how you feel and interact with others who have experienced the same. At the time I found that there wasn't a great deal out there in terms of hearing from individuals who were going through this, so I decided to add to the pot of what little was out there. Today that's changed of course and there are a zillion others getting there thoughts out there and dealing with things in a constructive way.

For me, and most others too I guess, my divorce was one of the most difficult periods in my life. It pulled me apart and made me feel like crap for some time. There's no getting away from that, you have to allow yourself to heal and it takes time. I often wondered when it would all go away and I'd start to feel better, it hurt like hell.

I decided to write about my experience, and share a few of the thoughts and concerns I had at the time.

My database is crashed at the moment so these are some of the posts I recovered from Google, I hope to get things up and running in blog for again soon, but this will make do for now.

I hope that some of the perspectives help. I've also put together some links in the left hand side which are great resources for those seeking help and assistance.

What I can't stress strongly enough is that things do get better, if you have children then try not to worry too much, they'll be fine, try not to get yourself in a state worrying about how they'll cope or blaming one or the other for what the situation could potentially do. It'll all work out.

Today it's all a distant memory. I never wanted to go down that route but it's one of those things. You're here but once so might as well make the best of things, whatever happens. You'll get there too, have faith and god bless, don't suffer in silence.



DIY Divorce

If you can avoid using solicitors and legal professionals then it will certainly help keep costs down. My ex and I have been separated for over 2 years now, which means we can just apply for a divorce without having to give grounds such as adultery or unreasonable behaviour. The fact we’ve lived apart is sufficient for us, and in a way is a good thing, as it means that we don’t have to get all adversarial as in she did this, or he did that etc.

In the UK, you can obtain the necessary forms from your local county court. Call them up, and they will send out the forms required. Its fairly straightforward. The tough part is filling the buggers in!

I guess Im lucky, in that my ex and I are on speaking terms, and have agreed how things are going to be.

As I have children, Ive decided its vital that they are put first. There really is no mileage to be had in being really awkward or obstropolous ( as much as I’d like to at times), as all I’ll do is damage myself and my children.

It can be very difficult mind, it is hard to put the anger, bitterness  and  ill will  to one side. It has to be done though, it remains unfinished business otherwise, and thats not good.

So, heres where I am in the process.

  • Filled in forms got them all signed

The key parts of the forms were the arrangements for the children, and the finances. We managed to agree these without need of a 3rd party. Not everyone will be as fortunate and this is where some independant advice may come into its own.

Citizens advice bureau’s and other similar types of organisations have people on hand to give free advice and support in matters like these. If you are earning under a certain threshhold you can claim legal aid too.

The next step is to file them with the court, pay £300 and wait for a response.

 

March 23rd, 2006 | Category: 

Divorce is tough

Divorce in itself is not an odd thing, its just a label for a process; the process of legal separation, the cessation of legally ordained marriage.

What it does to you though is certainly very odd indeed. I guess it really depends on the situation and whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of proceedings. I never thought that it would bother me. After all, I once left her, some 7 years back when basically I’d had enough of the perpetual squabbling, back biting, nagging and general miseriness. I felt exhilirated, free, at liberty to live a life how I wanted to, free from a person who did her utmost to attack or criticise my every move, and yet I went back to her. I couldn’t see her in pain, she was crushed and promised me she’d change, she pleaded with me to come back to her, she was in bits, and..well I still cared for her, I didn’t want to see her like that, to not go back and try again would have been cruel, at least that’s what I thought at the time.

So I went back. She accepted her part in our crap and we both resolved to move forward and give it all another go. For a time things were good. We got on ok, didn’t fight and I was kinda pleased that our relationship had been given the jolt it needed. We had a better appreciation for each other, or at least that’s what I thought at the time.

This time round, the shoe is on the other foot. I find myself out of the family home, unable to kiss my kids before they go to sleep and all the other readjustment crap that comes with having your marital life terminated. The weird thing is that even though I try and put my mindset to the fore of recognising that our marriage was a sham and that we were,for all intents and purposes fundamentally incompatible on so many levels, it does nonetheless feel pretty shitty to be on the receiving end. I guess its because she betrayed my trust and I kinda feel like she contrived the whole scenario just so she could get to be with some wanker I once called a friend.

Maybe its not so bad to feel like a complete fool. Deceit sucks, when you give of the best years of your life to someone and they repay you with what feels like the biggest kick in the bollocks you ever had, then maybe you’d be a little bit strange if you didn’t feel a little out of whack by it all. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m better off without the dumb bitch as well as remind myself of all her ugly ways, but thus far its just never enough. A hole still remains.

On the plus side, I’m almost over the revenge ideation and stuff like that. Im channelling my anger into positives and am determined to come through this whole thing a better, more rounded person.

Time does heal.

 

March 24th, 2006

Child maintenance - calculator and when does it end UK

UK visitors buy Divorce Help items here.

This is a handy little tool for working out how much an estranged parent is likely to pay in child maintenance.

https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

The amount of child maintenance worked out by our online calculator may be different from the child maintenance that we worked out and asked a non-resident parent to pay, or the amount that has been agreed in court as part of a consent order. This should not be used as grounds for appealing against our decision or for asking a court to change a consent order.

There are a number of circumstances which are not covered by the online calculator. These include when the non-resident parent’s income is greater than £2000 per week, non-resident parents who receive a benefit, cases where maintenance will be shared between two or more parents with care and variations for exceptional circumstances.

When does child maintenance end?

The circumstances of the birth and life of a child determines when child maintenance ends after a divorce. A father does not, for example, have parental responsibility for a child that was born when the parents were not married. Unless he: registered the birth jointly with the mother after December, 2003, both parents had a formal parental responsibility agreement drawn up, a court granted the father legal parental responsibility, the father is appointed as guardian, or the parents marry.

source
Great article about child maintenance payment obligation. The upshot being that youll have to pay for as long as your children are in full time education.

More books on Divorce

A great book on dealing with divorce - How to Have a Healthy Divorce: A Relate Guide
Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents


Revenge isn’t worth it. Everybody loses

I want to say a little something about negative feelings and how I deal with my own.

There have been times when I’ve felt consumed by rage. I have considered going round to a certain persons house and knocking ten tons of shit out of him. I’ve visualised myself doing this person a serious disservice. I haven’t though and I’m proud of myself for not doing so.

I had an awful reminder of how powerful these feelings can be. Last week, my girlfriends sister was killed. She and a boyfriend were stabbed to death and then burnt in her house. Her husband  has been arrested and charged with their murders.

Now, he may not be guilty, he may well be entirely innocent, but…suffice to say I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes for the next few years.

If he is guilty then he has obviously let his rage consume him. Its a tragedy that he never managed to find a way of dealing with them, as the net result is just tragedy.Two people have lost their lives, a young boy now has to grow up without a mother or father, 3 families have been devastated.

Don’t get me wrong. I was never on the same page as this guy. I never contemplated murder. I was always mindful of the possible impacts of my actions too. Whilst I may have fantasised about pummeling the guy who interfered in my lifes face, I also considered the possibility that to do so, could have resulted in some form of custodial sentence or worse even. She (my ex) simply isn’t and more to the point wasn’t worth that. My children too had suffered enough already and really didn’t need to have their Dad in jail either, so Im thankful that I’ve managed to hold it together and work through the anger.

If you are reading this and contemplating revenge of some sort. Just stop for 5 minutes, just 300 seconds and think about the possible impact of your actions. Think of your kids, think of your parents, think of your friends, but above all think about you and your life and recognise that you are worth so much more than that.

Go scream at the wall, go for a run, get out on a bike, call a friend, call your mum or your dad. Do something with the pain, don’t let it eaat you up. She aint worth it. You are.

April 9th, 2006

Couples Parting Divorce Separation Self Help Guide

£3.99
End Date: Friday Nov-26-2010 13:19:50 GMT
Buy It Now for only: £3.99
Buy it now | Add to watch list 
Other good books - Divorce and Separation: A legal guide for all couples

October 27th, 2010 |

Divorce Finances – Handling the Money side of things 5 Quick Tips

Getting divorced is often very expensive – solicitors, housing, maintenance, bank accounts, health it all stacks up and can take a huge toll. Be you male or female, it throws up a huge amount of uncertainty.

There is help though, be you a mother or a father, or simply a couple looking to split and go your separate ways there are reams of books and advice you can arm yourself with before making that visit to a solicitor. If you can do it amiably it’s much better for your health, and long term you’ll feel better for behaving like a decent human being.

Of course it’s seldom that simple and whilst in the thick of ill feeling and acrimony you may well choose to nail the testicles or tits of your estranged to the floor boards. It goes without saying therefore that cognisance of this possibility will go some way to putting you into do mode and rejecting the preference for burying your head in the sand, hoping it will all go away.

1. Separate those bank accounts – go to your bank and explain that you are separated. Get your salary paid into a new account.

2. Ensure that commitments that affect you are met. Talk to your ex about the Mortgage – if you can’t then do make an appointment to see a Citizens advice counsellor or if you can afford one, a solicitor instead, many law firms give free consultations.

3. Tell friends and family what’s going on, don’t shoulder the burden alone. Friends and family are there to help, use them. Talk to a friend who has been through similar, or find a support network through relate or online.

4. Behave like a decent human being – think of your children, don’t use them to hurt him or her. It isn’t their fault, don’t punish them. Be the adult.

5. If you’ve just separated, recognise that in the UK at least, it takes time to get a divorce. It doesn’t happen overnight. Use that time to prepare yourself. Read books like Divorce: How to Help Yourself and Your Finances (Financial Intelligence) and be better equipped to handle what the future brings.

Try not to worry yourself too much – it will work out, it will be tough, you might feel like the world is ending but, it’s natural to feel that way. Good luck.

November 1st, 2010 |

Calling Divorce Guest Bloggers

Would you like to guest blog on here and share the benefits of your experience with other deaders? Just leave a comment on this post, and I’ll contact you via email.

You can write about absolutely anything you like, all I ask is that it isn’t just an advert for your services, adds value to the space and is related to Divorce.

I hope to hear from you!

November 4th, 2010 |

The Sisters Antipodes: A Memoir (Paperback) newly tagged "divorce"

The Sisters Antipodes: A Memoir (Paperback)
By Jane Alison

Buy new: $10.17
32 used and new from $7.00
Customer Rating: 3.5

First tagged "divorce" by Cindy Vine "Author of Not Telling"
Customer tags: authorswomenmemoirbattered womenmemoirsdivorce

The Divorce Book/for Men and Women: A Step by Step Guide to Gaining Your Freedom Without Losing Everything Else (Paperback) newly tagged "divorce"

The Divorce Book/for Men and Women: A Step by Step Guide to Gaining Your Freedom Without Losing Everything Else (Paperback)
By Harriet Newman Cohen

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